35?

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After writing a lengthy 35th diaversary blog and falling asleep, here’s EXACTLY what I didn’t want to happen:

In a hotel room, all alone and the Dexcom starts wailing that I’m below 55. WTF? Grabbing Glucolift tabs and meter. Tabs in mouth, BG reads 121 on meter. WHEW! And before I can enter a new value in the Dexcom, the bg turns to the dreaded question marks.

???

Dex site is only a few days old. This isn’t supposed to happen and shit, I didn’t bring a back-up. 15 minutes later it’s still ???. Bg is dropping but not drastically. Fall back asleep and the hotel clock radio alarm goes off and scares me silly. It’s midnight. It’s my diaversary.

The music is loud. It’s playing Oasis. The words in the song are blaring,

“I walk alone, I walk alone”.

Heart pounding, check Dex. ???? Fuck. Back asleep. Hotel alarm blaring at 12:15. What the heck? All lights on. Alarm finally off. Dexcom reality sinks in. Clean off transmitter and restart receiver in an act of desperation.

Have been awake for almost 22 hours straight. Exhausted. It all comes crashing down. 35 years and I am scared out of my mind of diabetes. This disease. This disease and all the worry. The endless worry. Of course I can survive a few days if need be on a business trip without a functioning Dexcom but 35 years of this. 35 years should be a proud moment but if I’m honest at 12:30 am alone in a hotel room, all of these years feel like the heaviest weight of grief and heartache on my chest. What is next for me?

I am scared. I am scared. I am scared. I am scared. I may be a fighter but for right now, I am scared

9 thoughts on “35?

  1. Alecia, I’m so sorry you’re scared. I hope today is better. Reach out to someone for support if you need to. I’m still 12 years behind you (probably not in age though), and if it helps, know that still I see you as someone I respect and admire. Never give up.

  2. Ugh. I think it really sucks to be scared after 35 years of this. But I totally understand. I’ll hit 35 years in December and I still have those moments of pure fear. Just remember how very strong you are. <3

  3. Sometimes diabetes like to step in and remind you who’s in charge. Hope the sensor recovered. As much as our devices help us, we need a cure. Are you anywhere there might be a DOC friend with an extra sensor? Thinking of you:-)

  4. Aww, I feel like it doesn’t matter how many years of experience with diabetes you have, it never behaves! I’m sorry you had to go through this!

  5. I first read this at about 3:00 this morning, not long after you posted it. A simultaneous infusion site failure, a sensor failure, and a bright purple ketone strip had me sitting on the edge of the bathtub contemplating the meaning of it all, and turning to my smartphone for a distraction. The timing of your post – though a polar opposite to my particular situation – was uncanny.

    Now that I have a chance to respond – what can I say, other than that we’ve all been there and I understand your fear? Yes, thirty five years is a long time – but it’s just a series of individual days, and so far you’ve survived every single one of them. There will be many more, and I’m sure you’ll survive those too.

    I hope some sleep helps you to relax and feel a bit better.

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