IMPORTANT: WE WILL NOT OFFER YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE POLICY NEXT YEAR.

That sentence (and the letter it was attached to) has been on my list of life fears for years and years and years.  Due to a rather complicated (ok, weird) work situation over the past 12 years, I have joked (read: definitely NOT joked) that I would marry for health insurance.  New York State (and NY City) have some health insurance laws (not to mention premiums) that seem to be “different” than many other states.

This “NOT OFFER” is not taking effect right away.  I have a few months.  I will slam my face repeatedly into a window if I have another conversation with my “advisor” at Fill-in-the-Blank Insurance because:

1. He has a name that is only fitting for a child.

2.  He sounds like he just hopped off his skateboard to take my call.

3.  When he told me about the other plan available to me, he explained that other people with my “old timer” plan switched last time they had open enrollment and they all, “REALLY LIKE THEIR NEW PLAN”.  (God I wish I could say his name but I’m afraid someone who reads this has a kid with a cute bowl cut named —- and will be eternally offended).  Really —-?  EveryONE who switched plans likes their new plan?  That’s amazing!  So, how exactly does this “everyone” measurement work?

“Well, no one in my territories has called to complain.”

Seriously, no one has called you, —-, to complain so therefore EVERYONE likes their new plan?  Holy shit, this is my advisor?  (Note: I took Logic in college to fill a core requirement.  I did not do well.  I am sure I beat —- in that class).

4.  When I ask about durable medical equipment coverage, I actually want an answer about durable medical equipment.  Crazy, I know.

5.  When I’m finally told (by someone else) that the plans we are talking about are subject to change in October, before the enrollment period, and I ask —- about this, here’s what I don’t want to hear, “I think you’ll really like the plan everyone else switched to and there will probably be a plan like-that in October”.

6. That phone call required many quarters.  Many.  I would smack —- across the face with his skateboard if I could.

7.  My favorite part was when I said, “So you’re basically telling me I have options that sound like cheaper premiums but less coverage and more expensive costs in almost every other area, but you can’t confirm any of this because the official insurance plans don’t come out until October?  And now I can feel like I’m going to throw-up every day worrying about this for 2 months?  Well at least I’ll be really skinny and sleep is over-rated anyway right?.”  The response, “You really are funny.”  Ugh

Here’s the thing and hey maybe it’s because I’m just a laugh-a-minute, or because it was a day where other huge fears (job related) also happened to come true (oh the timing!), but I’m just not freaking out.  I am so oddly calm, I’m wondering if someone is drugging my coffee.  HUGE fear….happening… not freaking out.  Who am I???  I almost feel guilty that I’m not freaking out, but when you are juggling, more than you ever thought you could realistically juggle, does one more ball in the air change everything?  I dunno, I don’t actually know how to juggle, I find most clowns annoying (unless they make balloon sculptures… balloons change it up completely), and my athleticism doesn’t always lend itself to eye-hand coordination, so I have no one to ask about my juggling theory.

I’ll deal with it (while I attempt to stockpile the eff out of every supply I can get my hands on).*

*I’ve decided “eff” doesn’t count as cursing.