After writing a lengthy 35th diaversary blog and falling asleep, here’s EXACTLY what I didn’t want to happen:

In a hotel room, all alone and the Dexcom starts wailing that I’m below 55. WTF? Grabbing Glucolift tabs and meter. Tabs in mouth, BG reads 121 on meter. WHEW! And before I can enter a new value in the Dexcom, the bg turns to the dreaded question marks.

???

Dex site is only a few days old. This isn’t supposed to happen and shit, I didn’t bring a back-up. 15 minutes later it’s still ???. Bg is dropping but not drastically. Fall back asleep and the hotel clock radio alarm goes off and scares me silly. It’s midnight. It’s my diaversary.

The music is loud. It’s playing Oasis. The words in the song are blaring,

“I walk alone, I walk alone”.

Heart pounding, check Dex. ???? Fuck. Back asleep. Hotel alarm blaring at 12:15. What the heck? All lights on. Alarm finally off. Dexcom reality sinks in. Clean off transmitter and restart receiver in an act of desperation.

Have been awake for almost 22 hours straight. Exhausted. It all comes crashing down. 35 years and I am scared out of my mind of diabetes. This disease. This disease and all the worry. The endless worry. Of course I can survive a few days if need be on a business trip without a functioning Dexcom but 35 years of this. 35 years should be a proud moment but if I’m honest at 12:30 am alone in a hotel room, all of these years feel like the heaviest weight of grief and heartache on my chest. What is next for me?

I am scared. I am scared. I am scared. I am scared. I may be a fighter but for right now, I am scared